Another chapter of reckoning with the usual stuffs.

I’ve decided that the 8 days that I’ll spend in somebody’s Mysore room over in the Northwest are to be approached this way: walk in, say hello, negotiate a practice based on how things are that day. Do that practice 8 times. Then it’s over. Simple, factual, so be it. Easy.

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The following is an installment of what I call “hide the children.” Feel free to skip it. When you see my row of asterisks, this section will be over.

Ok: for background, J has since the child’s birth a few times offered what she has called “efficient” sexual activity. It’s half lubrication and half “lie back and think of England.” It is, precisely, efficient. But it has no foreplay and it has really shallow intimacy. For those two reasons, I haven’t been attracted to it. Somewhere around five months ago, maybe (time gets awfully subjective), I turned her down on it, just because I wasn’t in the mood for that particular flavor (for the record, I’m never really in the mood for that particular flavor: I’d MUCH rather have appetizers than the main course). Nothing’s happened since.

Until two days ago, when there was both foreplay and a bit more intimacy. That was nice. It took us a while to work up to it, but that just means we both saw it coming, and for me that’s a big sale. I like being able to see wide and far in those scenarios. Perhaps predictably, the main course is painful for her. She, nonetheless, basically insisted on it. She said “it’s fine” but her body language said, “ow motherfucker this really damn hurts.” The more I think about it the more disappointed I am in it. It’s like, come on pregnancy, didn’t you already fucking kill me once? Do you have to keep fucking rubbin’ it in? I can’t say, “I think it’s fine to go without this,” because J gets weird about “balance” and who gets what and sort of what’s “just” in this realm of activity. It’ll sound passive-aggressive if I try to argue her out of it. I’m not sure if this is “the beginning of something” or if it was just random fireworks. We’ll see what develops or doesn’t over the northwestern vacation.

If I had my way, this would all be about J’s rendezvous with her own bodymind. It would all be about re-hello, re-comfort, re-ease, re-well-hello, and so on. A total rendezvous where I just provide assistance rather than demand. I see how she feels an obligation to meet demand (but that’s not how it works), and how I can’t argue my way out of that, but what I want is the RELATIONSHIP, not just objects and actions and specific identifiable what’s, how’s, where’s and when’s. I want her/us to rise from the nuclear ashes that the first year turns a relationship into, and reknit the thing in toto. It’s not about getting even or fixing the past or satisfaction or any of that illusory bullshit. It’s about sacrificing THE SACRIFICE and finally turning face forward toward ONE’S OWN LIFE again. Time to say “I” again, time to HAVE A BODY again, time to fucking REINCARNATE!!!

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Practice has been predictably hither-and-yon; the Monday night Intermediate was tired but great, and I did up to Vatayanasana (I freakin LOVE that pose). Kapo is creeping, creeping, creeping, toes. Today was up to Bhujapidasana and then the hips in their swollen, achy from backbending way, just would have no more. Whatever; you do, you move on. Don’t forget to have a life.

I’ve retained bits and pieces of the pranayama Tim showed us; sometimes it’s just viloma with chakra visualization at night, but I do some every day.

Still reading _Essence of the Bhagavad Gita_ and getting late into it, now the final battle, the nature of reality, Krisna just showed Arjuna the divine vision. Far fucking out. I guess it’s too far (?) to reach for enlightenment given the present suffering, but fuck it man, I don’t know what else to do. I figure that if I reach for the highest possible goal, anything less ought to be coming without my even wanting it. Let’s see what’s out there.

My day-to-day includes a dose of depression and frustration; I don’t want you all thinking that I’m just eyes-to-the-stars and getting through over here. There is a sense that all of this is “a phase I will recall later” and that’s weird to handle in the present. Often one thinks of oneself as between phases like that, sort of in the valley. This is totally a mountain climb and I’m aware of it as such.